Switching Hats

This is my final article in the series pertaining to the phrase

CHILDREN DO NOT INTENTIONALLY CHOOSE TO BE “BAD” KIDS!

As many child experts would suggest, there is no such thing as bad kids but rather bad parenting. The belief stating that an individual is shaped by nurture not nature (inborn).

I feel however, parents in general have good intentions for their children and are not intentionally so-called “bad parents”. Where the problem arises is when we lose our children on an emotional level. The world has become so busy where both parents often have to work to support the family. Children have long days at school and they just don’t get the quality of time they need with their parents because when everyone gets home, it’s about homework, and dinner, and bathing, and planning tomorrow’s lunch, or whatever the case, and the day seems to run away.

However, when children do not get their emotional needs met at home, they turn to peers of influence or things that may not be good for them, but that give them what they are looking for, which they are not getting at home. As parents, it is important for us to become aware of this and take the necessary steps to learn how to connect to our kids on an emotional level where we get to know and understand them, who they are and what they are about. This is not such an easy task as honestly speaking, many of us as parents are not 100% tuned into ourselves so how do we do it with our children?

If you think about babies, they communicate from birth through sounds (crying, cooing, squealing), facial expressions (eye contact, smiling, grimacing) and gestures (moving legs in excitement or distress and pointing) and we begin ‘tuning in’ to a baby with non-verbal communication: eye contact, facial expressions, tone of voice, gestures and the timing and intensity of your response.

Being ‘tuned in’ to your baby is critical to the baby feeling safe, secure and loved.

Being ‘tuned in’ to a toddler is slightly different but also includes reading their ques about being hungry or irritated or seeing that they are about to have a tantrum and figuring out how to diffuse the situation. As your child gets older, “tuning in’ involves both verbal and non-verbal communication

With older children, to get and stay connected to your child on an emotional level we need to remove the parent hat and put on a friend hat which is not so easy to do but very necessary to make our children feel like we “get” them. By being a friend, we don’t judge our children and their choices but rather observe them for who they are and offer advice and assistance where they need it. Developing friendship is letting our children be who they are and loving them regardless of whether we like it or not. Of course there are boundaries if their choices are not safe or involve substances etc, but for the most part this hat is about getting to know our kids for who they are not who we want them to be. Guiding them to make informed decisions is the role we play with the friend hat on. Here we drop our expectations and be there as we would with any dear friend.

By doing so, we get to know what they are feeling and thinking as well as understanding their needs which gives them a sense of security and support making them feel that we are genuinely interested in them, approve of them and care about who they are, which forms a much deeper connection. These are the building blocks for positive, strong relationships. When children feel responded to and understood, they develop confidence and positive self-esteem.

Some SIMPLE ways you can begin tuning in to your child.

Every child is unique, with his/her own style of communicating his/her needs and approaching the world. Let us begin connecting by:

1. Observing our children and understanding what makes them “tick”

2. Understand and adapt to your child’s personality and temperament.

3. How do you know when they are irritated or upset or hungry or tired?

4. Know when they are craving attention from you, or comfort or reassurance.

5. Be sensitive to shifts within them, their tone of voice and behaviors.

6. Learn about your child’s strengths and challenges.

7. How do you know when they are happy or upset or overwhelmed?

8. With babies, you can respond to their gestures, hold them, hug them to show you understand

9. Talk and listen to your children. Every person needs to feel heard and understood

10. Respect your kids in their desires, beliefs, and feelings. Guide them on how to make the best choices but be tolerant of theirs even if they do not fit with your own.

And lastly, and probably most important. Be aware of yourself, your own body language, words, thoughts, verbal and non-verbal communication, because your child will pick up on everything and the younger they are the more of you they will use to shape their view of the world. They beliefs will be your beliefs and their words will be yours so it is your duty to conscious of who you are. What you want for your children is who you will need to become yourself.