Parental Bullying

So, this last week I was busy with some meetings at coffee shops and a few times my attention was caught by parents who were ‘conversing’ with their children. One of the more extreme conversations went a little bit like this where I saw a father with his little girl. She was a healthy-looking child and was enjoying a slice of cake. The waitress came over and asked if they had decided on drinks and the little girl said she wanted a milkshake. Immediately, the father sharply stared at his little girl and said, “Really a milkshake? And then he started whispering under his breath” oink, oink, oink”.

I was stunned and pretty disgusted at his response, but the truth is, it is common for parents to tease their children, especially younger children. Perhaps not as extreme as in this case, but parents often resort to teasing tactics to try and get their kids to understand or do something that they may not want to do. For example, if a child does not want to bath, a parent might say “Euwww you are going to smell” or “Yuck you smell!” to get them to feel bad or gross in order to bath. Sometimes parents tease children about toy choices, or thumb sucking, or food, or clothing styles or whatever the case. But frankly teaching a child through teasing is not a parenting tool. In fact, I would call it Parental Bullying.

Children, no matter their age are also people. They have the same needs, feelings, pains and thoughts as adults. I am almost certain that a parent would not choose the same teasing style with an adult as they would for their child. Then why is it ok to treat a child in this manner? Will they find it funny? Will they change as a result? Will it make them into a better kid? I think not!

Parents who use these techniques to get through to their children need to re-think their strategy and consider what messages they are actually sending to their children with their behaviors.

1. It immediately lowers a child’s self-confidence/esteem whether you see it or not.

2. It breaks down trust between the parent and the child

3. It creates feelings of animosity and anger toward the parent

4. It teaches children that they can also deal with situations in the same way, through teasing.

5. It hurts!

Here are some alternative strategies to use in absence of the teasing tactic.

1. If you want or don’t want your child to do something explain the consequences of doing or not doing that thing.For example, if you want your child to eat less sugar, explain the health benefits, or how eating too much sugar can make them feel (tired, lazy) and how it can affect their weight without having to make fun of it.

2. Be stern yet gentle with your children when you ask them to get something done by being strict but in a loving way. (I will talk about this more in a future blog)

3. Make it fun! Some children don’t like left brain logic and prefer to be playful. This is because they have a stronger right brain working and need things explained in a fun way. Try to make a game out of it and see if you can get your child to engage.

I know parenting is not easy, especially when you have many roles to play, but it is important to be aware of yourself and how your actions and words affect your kids and who they become. You are the main role model and you have one chance, so do your very best to make it great!