I was talking to my son’s teacher the other day and we were discussing the negative self-talk of children and how often they put themselves down. It is amazing how often you will hear a child say “I can’t do that.” or “I don’t know how…” or “It’s too hard.” And these are the phrases that they keep using day in and day out. So today I thought I would share some helpful strategies on how to talk kids out of using negative self-talk.
In a previous blog, I had mentioned that our brain will listen to what we tell it to do. So if we tell our brain that we can’t do something over and over again, it will begin to believe that. So strategy #1 is to teach children about the power of their brain. Explain to them accordingly based on their age that:
The brain will do whatever you tell it.
If you are struggling with something or find it challenging then rather than tell your brain you are not good at it or you can't do it, talk to your brain as though you are good at it or have figured it out. So for example, if you want to be good at chess and right now it is challenging for you, instead of giving your brain messages like “I can’t” or “It’s too hard”, start telling your brain that you are good at it, it is easy for you, you can figure the moves out easily, you understand the game well. These messages, if given over and over to your brain will yield positive results because:
Your brain does not know the difference between what is real and what is imagined.
So, if you pretend to know how to do or to be good at something, your brain will begin to believe that you are good at it and you will really become good at it over time. As long as your brain believes it to be true, it will make it true for you in reality.
The second strategy to help your child overcome the negative self-talk is simple yet very powerful. By using a single word, you can turn your child’s frustration around. This simple 3 letter word becomes a real game-changer for children because it makes them realize that their belief of not being able to do something or be good at something is not the end of the line.
For many of us parents, when we hear our kids saying, “I can’t” we try to encourage them by saying “Sure, you can…” or we try to discourage those feelings of inadequacy but sadly children don’t want to hear that they can, when they know they really cannot. It is actually more frustrating for a child to not feel validated in what they are feeling. BUT, if we change their frustrating phrase by adding one single simple three letter word, it changes everything.
CHILD: I am not good at playing chess.
PARENT: You are not good at playing chess, YET!
That simple word turns everything around and gives them hope to succeed. It validates their feelings without making them feel worse. It buys them the necessary time to figure it out and it gives them the power to believe that it is possible.
YET!
Y – YES
E – EVENTUALLY
T – TRIUMPH
If we can teach our children to believe in themselves, and to go after what they believe in, with all their heart, we will have done our jobs successfully.